|
April 13, 2005
“John vs. The Bug Beast”
Gather around
and hear a tale of daring bravery in the face of certain doom. I am here to impart to you the epic tale of John T. Ray, Lacey
Young, and the deadly beast that plagued the house of Lace.
Weeks ago I journeyed to the house of Lace to visit my
significant other, Lacey. As day turned to night the will to remain awake slowly began to leave my beautiful counterpart.
She made the decision that it was time to retire to bed for the night. In keeping with our tradition, I was to stay and guide
her contently into dreamland before making absolutely sure that the house was safely locked down for the night. Then I would
begin my journey home.
Lacey started up for her room but I had a mission of my own to complete before joining her. Nature
had been calling me for some time now and was getting more stubborn about me answering. So I made my way to the toilet to
relieve myself.
As I was just finishing my business I happened to glance over my left shoulder, and that is when I saw
it. There, clinging to the wall in its deadly splendor and sickening elegance, was a cockroach. I calmly assessed the situation.
This beast threatened the tranquility of the house of Lace. I couldn’t allow this monstrosity to continue to draw a
breath and risk it getting after Lacey.
I began to move slowly so as not to alert the bug to my plan. I finished peeing
and grabbed at the toilet paper. I couldn’t, after all, touch this beast with my bare hands. Its exoskeleton, as I have
learned, contains a chemical that makes the bravest of people dive into a frantic frenzy of fright. With its victim thoroughly
grossed it can then do the one horrible act that makes the cockroach a feared beast. It would… crawl on you. I shutter
at the thought.
I carefully positioned myself to land the one critical blow that would render the bug incapacitated. I
had dealt with these monsters before and I knew that the first blow was the most important. One misjudged move, one moment’s
hesitation and the horrible creature could unleash a world of horrors on its unsuspecting attacker.
I made my swing but
the beast was quicker than I expected. It escaped my shot. I remained calm and rapidly retracted my arm. As long as I kept
my distance I could still stage a successful attack. The roach, sensing me to be a worthy opponent that it wasn’t prepared
for, ran for cover to regroup. It shot behind the towel rack for cover.
I couldn’t let the beast escape; the safety
of the house of Lace was hanging in the balance. I kept a weather eye on the area around the rack incase it attempted to give
me the slip. Carefully, I began pulling towels from the rack to get a better view of the new battleground. The slippery critter
had gained the advantage by seeking an area difficult for me to easily maneuver. If I didn’t keep my wits about me he
could effortlessly utilize the deadly element of surprise to defeat me. Oh the horrors that would ensue if the heartless beast
defeated me and then had his way with Lacey and her mother. I could not let it come to this!
I emptied the towel rack and
to my surprise the bug was not to be seen. I became suddenly frightened. The monster could be anywhere. My first thought was
that it had fled under one of the two blue rugs in attempt to stage an assault from my rear. I pulled the closest rug up from
the floor but there was no sign of the beast. I promptly checked under the close hamper directly adjacent from the towel rack.
Again my search was in vain. I was becoming anxious. Every passing second became hours to my mind, as I knew the crafty beast
could very well gain the upper hand in the tight quarters of this particular bathroom.
I scanned the entire room and even
checked just outside the door in the kitchen. Nothing. I searched for a long time before Lacey came down to find me. I decided
it best not to cause her fright and didn’t mention the ordeal I had just undergone with the cockroach. I would have
to keep both eyes open and hope that the beast didn’t show itself while I was away. I silently cursed the crafty creature
and swore to return and slay the beast before the error of my assault became the demise of this house’s serenity.
It
had been one long week since that epic day when the monstrous beast had appeared to me. It burned inside my mind the way my
defeat had given it the run of the house of Lace. However for the duration of that week I heard not so much as a peep out
of the bug. But I knew that all it would take for total chaos to ensue would be for Lacey or Ms. Laurie to catch a sight of
the beast. With a new week coming around I put the bug to the back of my mind. On the Sunday after my first encounter is when
the bug made its reappearance.
I sat tranquilly on Lacey’s couch while she went to the bathroom to do her nightly
things before bed. I had finally settled my mind back to peace when a shrill cry of surprise met my ears. Lacey bolted back
into the living room with a look of complete horror plaguing her face. I knew that she had seen a bug, but somehow I could
feel that it was the same monster I had dueled with a week earlier.
Lacey is an able bodied warrior so I wasn’t worried
about her ability to take on the beast. However when she grabbed a near by shoe as her weapon of choice I decided I had better
follow her. Upon arrival in the bathroom I noticed that the bug was resting in the same place on the wall that I had first
encountered it. Lacey began to swing but the crafty critter escaped her shot.
I begged her not to use the shoe, as it would
cause damage to the surrounding area that would have to be cleaned later. I reached for the toilet paper thus completely resetting
the stage of last week’s epic battle. But this time a definite victor would be decided.
I carefully made the first
attack and like last time the beast darted behind the towel rack. My mind exploded with doubt and fear. The dastardly demon
was going to execute the same evil plan that had aloud him to escape my grasp last time. I couldn’t let it happen again.
Before
he was good and hidden behind the rack Lacey and I had begun to strip the towels away. To my extreme dismay when the towels
where cleared there was no sign of the bug. I shot a glance at Lacey. She and I both knew that the terror of the monstrous
bug would continue. The beast would continually torture us with its gruesome sight. I believed we had failed in allowing the
bug to escape into nothingness. As I shot another look at Lacey I realized I had misjudged my role in this affair from the
very beginning. I had been blind to ever consider myself the cleverest being in this chase. The beast had years of survival
prowess on me.
Suddenly I happened to catch sight of a shinny brown surface. The beast had been hiding just out of sight
in a place I had happened to overlook. I poked at the bug to make it move to a place I could more easily battle with him.
The beast wouldn’t comply with my wishes and ran in the other direction. I made a split second decision and put myself
in the ultimate danger.
I utilized my limberness and threw my arm under the rack in the bug’s path. I was in direct
danger of that one dangerous aspect that made this bug a danger. He could… crawl on me. With my hand under the towel
rack I would have nowhere to move and the bug would have free rein of my entire arm. To my utmost surprise the beast was startled
by my attempts to impede its progression. It turned and bolted the other direction. Now I had a chance to end the oppressive
rein of this atrocious creature. When it came out from under the rack it must have decided that it was tired of running from
me.
Finally it was just me and the beast, mono y mono. There was nothing between that vile creature and me but about four
feet of bathroom floor rug. There was a frightened sigh from Lacey as she realized my situation. The monster was making its
way right toward me with no remorse or any sign of changing its course. I would have a split second when the time was right.
Finally
I saw my opening and swung my arm to make the kill. It was a direct hit. However when I lifted my hand the monstrous beast
continued his tirade toward me, now even more enraged. There was a surprised shriek from Lacey as I came in with the second
blow. I really expected it to be dead under my grip this time. I was surprised when I lifted my hand and the beast came at
me once more. This time I had to defeat him. If this shot didn’t kill the beast it would be on me and all would be lost.
I
slammed my hand down on it and scanned the surrounding area for a way to destroy the beast. My eye landed on the toilet and
I pinched my fingers down on the roach and threw the beast at the toilet. There was a giddy moment of silence as Lacey and
I hoped beyond hope that it would reach the toilet. Finally it fell in the toilet and our hopes where fulfilled.
I quickly
flushed the toilet and watched our fears drown with the beast. I had saved Lacey and the house of Lace. The day had been saved
and the deadly beast was slain. The damsel in distress saved and the beast slain Lacey and I retired to her room for a well
disserved rest.
|
